i-have-rocket-legs:

Mariska Hartigay, you should come over. To my house. For dinner. You should come over to my house for dinner.

I’ll make roasted red potatoes with rosemary, and my dad will make a roast because I can’t tell when the hell meat is done. Are you supposed to cut it open? Do you taste it? I tried putting my finger in it once like a cake or something, and it really burned, Mariska. Mariska Hartigay.

YOU SHOULD COME over to my house, and we can watch all the Law and Orders that aren’t SVU, and make fun of them because they are all bad and boring and really lacking in that sex appeal. Also, the sex crimes. Those do not go hand in hand, Mariska Hartigay. 

Are you a cop in real life? Do you have a gun?

Can I see the gun?

Don’t try and kiss me, Mariska Hartigay. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a real pretty lady, but I am taken, like that Liam Neeson movie, “Taken” where someone gets taken and he kills everybody. Did you catch that the movie was called “Taken”? 

Mariska Hartigay, I do not have a crush on you, nor am I interested in any physical contact with you further than a handshake. I simply am drunk and I cannot stop watching your show on Netflix. Tell your partner with the enormous forehead that I like him, but only because I also have a big forehead, but it’s still way smaller than his, so I feel better about it.

hahahaah I would sneak into your house Nick.

And I used to have that shirt.

(Source: elderdad)